you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
