I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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