I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a dumb baby whore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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