thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
