I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize