Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.