i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.