He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
