Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
