Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Text me some of your sweat
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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