Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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