I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
