Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
