so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
