Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
