never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
