Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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