I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
