Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
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Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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