This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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