Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
