No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
