I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
