Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
