The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
