you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
