I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
