That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
