All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
