if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
