Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
His hands were made for my vagina.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
