i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
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No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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