You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
