What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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