And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
