So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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