I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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