I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
