My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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