We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
