May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
