For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
