my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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