Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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