I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
