She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
