alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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