I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
