remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
