Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
