she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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