I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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