Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
