listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
