If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
