Don't you send me to vm
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
