the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
