We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Houston, we have a blender
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
