When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
